Wives

What Makes A Great Wife?

In our culture today, it is often challenging to know how to be a great wife.  Society teaches women to be strong and not to be passive so oftentimes, wives are seen as combative, spoiled, or domineering, only needing a husband for procreation and their financial contribution to the household.  Instead, the message should be to teach women to be self-confident, respectful and supportive in a loving relationship without being a pre-programmed robot or a product of Hollywood’s version of a woman.  These qualities can be helpful for women to have success in any relationship.

I feel that our culture is making it confusing to know how to be in a healthy relationship, but it really is simple.  Each of us wants to have meaningful and loving connections with others, where we are able to be ourselves and where we are shown value by being respected by the other person.  I believe we are all created equal in value, with some related similarities, but also with uniqueness.  Marriage is a joining of all these qualities together, where this unit is stronger because of what each individual contributes to the relationship.  Women who look at marriage in this regard can have a better understanding of how to be a healthy wife.

Men don’t want a doormat who doubles as a servant or becomes a pre-programmed robot, for a wife.  That isn’t a healthy relationship.  They want someone who recognizes them as a unique individual, who will be supportive of them, respects them and wants to be with them.  It almost sounds too easy.  I think most wives start off their marriages with knowing this, but it can get lost along the way as life happens.  Challenges occur, habits begin to form, selfish human-nature characteristics begin to surface and things begin to change.  I remember thinking in my early years of marriage that maybe I had made a mistake.  This wasn’t what I had signed up for!  What had changed?  Then I realized, my perspective had changed.  I was a wife now and not a girlfriend.  I had started treating my husband differently and had different expectations.  I started self-imposing my own feelings, thoughts, and ideas on him and wasn’t allowing him to be the unique individual he had always been and in turn, I wasn’t showing him the respect he deserved.  Once, I realized this, I could move in a healthy direction and could start becoming the wife I wanted to become.  (Self-disclosure, it didn’t happen overnight and I continue to have relapses which are normal.)

Too often, a man is hurt by his wife when she isn’t supportive.  This can occur if she discounts his ideas or dreams or demeans him in front of others.  For example, if a man shares with his wife that he would like to quit his job and become an Uber driver (honestly I like the idea of the adventure of being an Uber driver), her first response might be to discount the idea out of fear of their financial future, but instead, she would be wise to take a breath and explore the possibility with him and try to understand what led him to this decision.  Being supportive doesn’t mean always agreeing, but it does mean being there to listen and to encourage discussions.  When wives dream with their husbands and think about the possibilities of life, they can strengthen their love for each other and strengthen their respect for each other.

Men like to be respected as it gives them a sense of value and self-worth.  This isn’t to say that women don’t have this same need, but I find it particularly important for males.  I am guilty of not showing my husband respect.  It usually happens without me doing it on purpose, but that doesn’t change the impact it can impose.  Verbal disrespect is a big problem in most marriages.  This can be heard in comments such as “can’t you do anything right”, or “all I asked you to do is one thing”.  This displays a lack of respect and can degrade a male ego.  Instead, a comment such as, “thanks so much for going out of your way to help me”, can build up a spouse and can foster a desire to want to do more for the other person.  I grew up having a limited view of how guys really felt.  Once, I had a son of my own however, it opened my eyes to the male persona and how guarded they can be with their emotions.  I think that sometimes wives don’t realize or consider that guys have feelings and how easily they can be wounded.  A wife who is always slinging these arrows of demeaning comments will eventually destroy the target.  She will be left with a shell of a husband or will see him retreat into the arms of another woman or other sanctuary.  Feeling defeated, with little self-worth and limited value can be so destructive to any man.

When men feel like they are not important anymore or that their wife doesn’t want to spend time with them, they will react in negative ways.  Often times they are self-destructive and instead of wanting to work on making the relationship better, they will do things to make it worse.  To help avoid this, wives need to be sensitive to their husband’s feelings and they need to make sure and find ways to spend time with their spouse.  I don’t always enjoy the same activities as my husband, but I know he really appreciates it when I make the effort to participate in an activity with him and I have found myself having fun trying new things.  It can be hard for wives to carve out time for their husbands, especially if they are taking care of a family, if they have health issues, if they don’t feel like they have a moment to even catch their breath, etc…   But, in the long run, it can strengthen the relationship and can show the commitment to the marriage.  Wives need to be careful not to do it begrudgingly or to keep score on how many times they did things they didn’t want to do, that is defeating the purpose.  Instead, wives should look at it as giving their husband a gift of their time, and find ways to enjoy it or choose to be happy by watching their husband’s happiness.  For example, if a husband really wants to go to a movie and really wants his wife to go with him but she feels it will be boring, instead of saying “are you kidding, that sounds so dumb”, she should change her thinking.  She could say something like “I would love to go and have a date with you!”.  She could then sit next to him and enjoy holding his hand, offer to run to the concession stand for him so he doesn’t miss anything, smile when she hears him enjoying it, and know that this is a moment of sharing her love for him that can be tucked away in her memories as a happy moment.  Showing her spouse that she enjoys being with him no matter the circumstances can be a priceless gift to her husband.

When a wife considers her husband’s feelings and wants to have a healthy marriage, it is deeply felt by her husband.  The message that is sent is one of love and shows commitment, that she values him and his individuality and that she respects him and wants to spend time with him.  These are the makings of a great wife.